Living Laos

My answer to the Vagina Monologues.  That minor in philosophy really paid off!

Thracymachus: Socrates, what is the ideal length of a man’s penis?

Socrates: Oh, I know nothing of such matters. What would you, Thracymachus, say is the finest size?

Thracymachus: I would say that I am of the opinion that a large penis is preferable.

Socrates: But surely you grant that if a penis is too large it will become useless.

Thracymachus: I do.

Socrates: And therefore a penis that is too large is inferior to an overly small penis.

Thracymachus: Naturally.

Polemarchus: But what if, by Zeus, one has an exceptionally large penis but one’s wife posses an exceptionally deep cavity. In such a case, one would have superior intercourse as well as bragging rights.

Socrates: Of course.

Thracymachus: Socrates, it looks as though you have been contradicted.

Socrates: Not at all, Thracymachus. While the possessor of such a member would undoubtedly have superior intercourse, a penis of this size would by no means fit into the mouth, thereby rendering fellatio impossible. Is this a superior scenario?

Polemarchus: Certainly not, but can we not all agree that a large penis, but not such a gigantic member as one would find on the statue of Pan in the temple is, in fact, the best length for a penis to be?

Socrates: Perhaps, but what if one is to sleep with a virgin? Possessing a large penis would certainly make intercourse painful, if not impossible.

Thracymachus: Ah, so then the best length of a penis would be the best length for a particular occasion.

Socrates: It would seem so.

Polemarchus: But we are now even farther from a resolution than when the discussion began. There must be an answer to our query.

Socrates: There may be one, but we seem unable to uncover it. Can you?

I bought a Lao joke book yesterday. Most were terrible, but some were actually funny and some were “wtf” funny. Here are a few:

The park manager noticed that no matter how many ‘Keep off the grass’ signs they put up, people still ignored them. Finally he decided to put up new signs which proved very effective. The new signs said “the grassland has unexploded bombs.”

*

“Quick, bring the hammer. There’s a fly on baby’s head!”

*

A lady ant proposed marriage to an elephant.
“Marriage!” scoffed the tusker, “don’t be silly! How can I marry you?”
The lady ant pleaded with him but to no avail. Then she asked him to bend down so that she could whisper her secret in his ear to persuade him to accept her proposal. The elephant knelt down to hear what she had to say. She whispered, “The reason why I want you to marry me now is that the child I am carrying in my womb is yours.”

*

In a restaurant…
“Waiter! There are flies on my steak.”
“Yes, I know. It’s the rotting meat that attracts them, sir.”
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I think all of these would make money, but I have no desire to pursue any of them. If you have any interest, go for it.

Joe’s Economy Hostel
Even though you can have a private room for a week for the price of one night in a European hostel, some travelers will go with the cheapest option no matter what. Have a restaurant serving Lao food at Lao prices and make sure to display the prices prominantly. When they walk around town they’ll be tempted to eat somewhere else but will keep saying “our hostel is cheaper than this.” Also have a bar on premises serving beer, bottles of cheap whiskey with mixers, and buckets. Backpackers love buckets and I haven’t seen them anywhere.

A burger place open late
It’s impossible to get a good burger in this town. I’m not thinking of a McDonalds clone but something a little nicer like a west-coast burger chain. It would be popular in the daytime and hugely popular at night, especially if open late. Make sure to include veggie burgers. Bonus if you also sell non-disgusting hotdogs.

An Irish Pub *
What kind of capital city doesn’t have an Irish pub? Two fundamental facts make this a good business:
1. Irish pubs are always crowded
2. Irish pubs are always overpriced

A prime location is crucial. So many people stay in Vientiane for 2-3 nights and don’t know where to go. Many of them would run to Paddy O’Murphy’s (or whatever) instead of some place with a strange name. Get a white guy with a guitar to come in 3 nights a week and you’ll have to turn the punters away.

*there is now an Irish pub in Vientiane, but there wasn’t when I wrote this a few months ago**

**There is no longer an Irish pub.

Lonely Planet
Go about your busininess as usual but whenever you see someone with a Lonely Planet guide, go into the nearest bar, restaurant, gueshouse, or minimart and drink a Beerlao (any variety). If you remember the sun setting, you win. For advanced drinkers only.



Hotel California
When you hear the opening bars of Hotel California, order two shots of tequila for every person playing. Drink one immediately and the 2nd at “you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.” This can be played in conjunction with other drinking games. The budget-conscious traveler can substitute lao lau.

Fatty, Fatty, Fat Fat
Sit outdoors in a high-traffic area, such as by the Mekong. Every time a fat white person walks by, everyone in the group must drink a small glass of beer. See if you can keep up!

“So Where Have You Been?”
Find some backpackers with dreadlocks and start a conversation with them. Every time they mention a place they’ve travelled, take a drink. When you’ve finished your drink or simply can’t take it any more, end the conversation. Example:
“…so then we got to Greece and…”
“I’m sorry, I have to go take my AIDS medicine.”

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Designing a website is hard and I’ve decided to leave it up to the professionals.  Until I find someone to build me a site, I’ll try to improve the existing one.