Living Laos

Note: an updated version of this can be found on the FAQ page

Ok, I haven’t been updating the site as much as I’d like. To make up for it here’s a FAQ I was saving for the new site but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to put it up now.

Can you describe yourself?
I’m a 28 y/o Canadian with a liberal arts degree from an American public college. Physically I am Caucasian, decent looking, and a little short.

Why did you start the site?
As a creative outlet, to educate people, and to make a couple bucks.

Can you post a picture of yourself, your name, etc.
No, I’m interested in preserving my anonymity for a variety of reasons.

What do you do for work? Do you teach English?
I work in finance, though not for a Lao company or foreign company in Laos. I won’t go into detail on this except to say that what I do is completely legal.

Can you show me around/would you be interested in having a beer with me?
No offense but probably not. I’m not interested in being your personal tour guide and you probably aren’t as fascinating as you think you are. I would possibly be interested if:
*You are friends with someone I know or I’ve met
*We’ve corresponded and I find you interesting
*You live here or will be staying here for a while. I’m always interested in making new friends here as long as you promise not to be creepy and call me all the time.
*You are willing to give me items I can’t get here like good bourbon or beer. Contact me for more details.
*You are willing to pay me a ludicrous amount of money. I’m not wanting for cash, so if you want to employ me as a tour guide or conversation partner I will charge way, way above what would normally be considered rational or fair.

How much money do you make?
I make enough to live comfortably in Laos.

Can you get me pot or hook me up with a reliable source?
No.

I completely disagree with you about [pretty much any fucking thing I've ever written]
I don’t care. Everything I write is my subjective opinion. You’re certainly entitled to yours, just don’t waste my time with it. If I’ve made a factual error somewhere feel free to contact me.

Why the hate for backpackers? Backpackers are wonderful people blah blah blah
I don’t actually hate them but as a group they tend to annoy me. Hatred is funnier than annoyance so I tend to exaggerate a bit.

Where should I stay? What flight should I take? How should I get to Luang Prabang?
Get a fucking travel agent.

What sights should I see? How much time should I spend in Vientiane, etc.
Buy some guidebooks and check out Laos-related travel sites. I’ve been getting a lot of emails about this stuff so I’ll try to write some articles about this in the coming months under the assumption it will increase traffic.

You don’t write anything about the political situation.
I keep this site apolitical for reasons that should be obvious.

I think I’m moving to Laos. Can you help me rent a house, car, etc?
I might be able to give you some phone numbers and basic info but I won’t hold your hand through the whole process.

Are you married? Do you have a serious girlfriend?
Currently single.

How does Lao food compare to other Asian cuisine/ What are the defining characteristics of Lao food?
Man, I don’t know. It tastes good.

Can I write a guest article?
Maybe. Email me and we can discuss this.

I have a business and am interested in advertising on your site.
See this page for more information.

I have a business in town, can you review it?
Maybe. I make a point of trying new bars and restaurants so I’ll probably get to it eventually. Even if you give me a free meal or drink, I’m still going to be brutally honest. Be warned, I tend to have very strong opinions, especially regarding bars.

[^^^these don't apply yet because I'm waiting for the new site to put up reviews]

Can I stay in your spare room? I’ll pay you whatever a hotel would cost.
If you don’t at least know me well enough to have my personal email, definitely no.

I want legal advice about marriage/buying a car/some bullshit.
Try thaivisa or talk to a law firm.

I don’t understand your website. Is it satire, a travel website, or a blog?
Yes.

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Americans have a (mostly) justified reputation of being ignorant of the rest of the world. I’m not excusing this ignorance, but I will try to explain why it exists. It’s not because individual Americans are dumber than anyone else, but is a a consequence of the USA’s geography, culture, and educational policies.

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While Australians are the most annoying of all English-speaking peoples, the British are undoubtedly the scariest. Like rottweilers, the majority of British people reaching asian shores are bred for aggression and savagery. And not just the women. Here are some signs to watch out for:

Tattoos: You know those poisonous frogs that are brightly colored so predators don’t eat them? It’s the same thing with British people covered in tattoos, except instead of “don’t eat me,” they’re saying “I JUST SPENT FIFTEEN YEARS IN PRISON FOR KILLING A PAKISTANI AND NOW I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT YOU CUNT.” If you see a British person with tattoos, treat them the same you would someone who is really into Ayn Rand–just pretend they’re not there. Otherwise you’ll get stabbed.



Speech: If you have trouble understanding what a British person is saying, they will probably end up stabbing you. This is because the more degenerated breeds of Britain have poorly developed language centers and are therefore forced to communicate by a primitive series of grunts and isolated English words. If you find yourself easily understanding the speech of a British person, they are probably a diplomat or fugitive pedophile.

Habitat: British people detest sunlight and spend their days indoors drinking alcohol. This also describes their nights. They tend to congregate in fighting arenas known as “pubs.” If you value your life, these places should be avoided like a fat girl with cold sores.

I’m not an expert on Lao banking, but it’s something I’ve looked into and talked about with other expats. The following information is accurate to the best of my knowledge but you should probably do your own research since the industry is rapidly changing and modernizing. If anyone has anything to add or correct, email me and I’ll update the article.

The basics: You can open an account in Lao kip (LAK), Thai baht (THB), or US dollars (USD). Some banks have ATMs but these only despense kip. I believe you technically need a work visa to open a savings account, but most places don’t care. Only businesses can open check accounts–the people working at the bank are unable to comprehend why an individual would want a checking account, so don’t even waste your time.

The main problem with banking is the lack of many things we take for granted. There is no internet banking. Only one bank (ANZ) offer debit cards. Only three banks I know ofhave ATMs away from their main branches. There are no EFTs, so no Paypal or anything similar will work.

The other problem is that the Lao banking system isn’t connected to the rest of the world. If you have an account with ANZ for example, you can’t access it at the ANZ branch in Laos, or vice-versa. In order to wire money, you have to first wire it to a third bank and pay 1% of the total plus normal wire fees. I’ve been told by my bank that an international check would take a month to clear, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it took significantly longer.

Many banks will have interest rates of up to 14% for kip accounts. While this seems like a good investment, you have to realize that the money isn’t insured. You have no protection if the bank goes under or runs low on funds.
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I was going to photoshop a control panel with these lables but then I remembered that I’m not very good at Photoshop and the time could be better spent mast…ering other languages.

[ ] Cambodians are stealing our temple!
[ ] White people are corrupting the youth!
[ ] People are insulting the monarchy!
[ ] White people are stealing our jobs/land/money!
[ ] Illegal immigrants
[ ] Gambling
[ ] Terrorism
[ ] Drugs

Any of these hot-button issues can be used to distract the Thai public from an inconvenient political crisis. Example:

“Minister, it appears most of the people who voted for you have been dead over 20 years.”
“How can you say such a thing when my cousin goes hungry because filthy Burmese migrants have stolen his job?”