After a 2-year absence, Living Laos is back in business. I thought I backed everything up correctly but it will take me a week or two to get things unfucked. Until then you can see most of my old posts at http://lifeinlaosblog.blogspot.com/
–Will
I was looking through some old emails and came across this one from my very first trip to Laos, back in early 2007. I was on a visa run by myself and knew almost nothing about the place. I had been in Vientiane for only a few days and had spent the the entire time in my hotel room because of a stomach bug. I was finally feeling ok and decided to hit the town. I’m in Vientiane, Laos right now. It’s a neat city but the thing that sucks about it is that bars and clubs are required to close at 11:30 and in general, the entire city is shut down by 9:00. I read about a venue called the Chess Club, which is supposedly the venue for live music, playing an eclectic blend of Thai, Lao, and Western rock. One review I read of it says it doesn’t get busy until 9:00, so I left my hotel at around 8:15 figuring I could catch a taxi and get there in time to chill and have a beer before it gets packed.
I go to the taxi (actually tuk-tuk) stand where I’m told the Chess club is no longer open. These guys are all hustlers so who knows if they were telling the truth. “You want go nightclub discotheque?” At this point I say “sure” because I don’t feel like going back to my hotel and watching CNN International for 6 hours. Besides, I haven’t talked to any other foreigners for a while and I’m looking forward to some socializing. I negotiate the standard taxi fare of $1 and for some reason I get the driver who speaks no English. We drive for about five minutes to a spot on one of the main roads next to the Mekong. There are plenty of people and building around so I’m not scared, but I don’t see any clubs. The driver turns around and says “lay-dee.”
“Where’s the club?”
“Lay-dee”
“Where is the disco?”
At this point he motions for the taxi driver across the street to come over. “You want lady? Very beautiful, I have room.” WTF, does anyone actually agree to bang a chick without even seeing her? Maybe if I had just been released from prison or had been at sea for six months.
“No thanks. This guy was supposed to take me to a discotheque.”
“I can take you to disco.”
“Ok, 10,000 kip ($1)?”
“Ok.”
“You want marijuana? I have good stuff.”
“No thanks, it makes me nervous.”
“He wants 10,000 kip.”
“What? He didn’t take me where he was supposed to”
“He says he will take you for 20,000 kip.”
At this point I just say fuck it and go with the original driver. I didn’t want to have this guy pissed off at me, especially since he spends most of his day 50 feet from my hotel. We drive for five minutes to some kind of club. There are a bunch of signs for it so I assume it’s legit.
I go to the entrance, pay the cover of $1.50, get a ticket and show it to the bouncer. I walk through the door and there’s no one inside except for a few employees. The place is dark and fairly large with lots of tables and a few TVs. It looks like a cross between the clubs in “Blade” and “From Dusk Till Dawn” so at this point I’m 99% sure I’m going to be attacked by SE Asian vampires. I try to order a beer and after a lot of confusion I find out that my ticket is actually a drink voucher. I get a large bottle of Beerlao which is quite tasty and has a 99% market share in Laos.
I sit down at a table and start watching the karaoke videos on the TV screens. I’d be lying if I said I was enjoying the solitude and SE Asian pop music. Eventually people start filtering in, mostly girls. Everyone looks to be in their late teens and everyone drinks Beerlao despite other drinks being available. I’m the only one drinking from the bottle; everyone else pours theirs into glasses of ice. Soon the karaoke starts and I can’t help noticing that every video seems to be Western-themed. In between songs the DJ plays snippets of house music or US hiphop but this is unfortunately followed by more local pop.
The place starts filling up and I’m the only non-Lao person. A number of girls are staring at me and giggling. I smile back but I have no idea how to approach them in this situation. Every group is sitting at their own table and there doesn’t seem to be much mingling. I assume picking up a girl would be almost impossible because my hotel doesn’t allow visitors and I assume all these kids live with their parents.
Mercifully the karaoke ends and normal club music starts. Everyone seems to loosen up and starts dancing and mingling. One girl smiles and waves and I wave back. What to do next would be a no-brainer in the US, but I have no idea how to approach this here. I don’t even know if she understands English and unlike Thailand, I can’t get by by speaking basic Lao. It’s also illegal to sleep with a Lao woman who isn’t your wife ($500 fine). Five minutes later her and her friend come over to my table. We talk (actually yell) a bit. She asks me to dance, but once again my total incompetence in that area bites me in the ass and I have to turn her down. She soon excuses herself to join her friend.
I’m kind of bored so I go to the edge of the dance floor. Almost immediately a guy grabs me and tells him to come join his group of friends. He speaks good English and seems excited to be hanging out with an American. One of his cute friends who seems a little drunk immediately starts grinding on me. It’s times like this that I realize how lucky I am to be a white American male. The other girls in the group are eyeing me as well. One guy keeps yelling engrish into my ear and I have no idea what he’s saying. I keep saying things like “Sorry I do not understand. Too loud” to which he replies “usouths you sotauh oaeulchi America cpeu-rtuo.” The DJ keeps playing songs I would least expect to be popular in SE Asia. WTF? They know Lil John? S
oon it gets to be around 11:30 and these guys are leaving. I ask them if they’re hanging out or just going home but they don’t seem to understand what I’m asking. One guy is nice enough to give me a motorbike ride to my hotel. It’s now about 11:45 but there’s nothing else to do so I watch some TV for a while and go to bed.
divbValium and Xanax are your friends for long journeys/b–Valium and Xanax are sedative-hypnotics in the benzodiazapine family. I didn’t even have to look that up. When you take them you will either fall asleep or drift into a pleasant daze. Either of these makes a long plane, bus, or rail trip infinitely more bearable. Most countries require a doctor’s prescription (or good connection) so don’t be an idiot and try to bring them across borders./divdivbr //divdivbNo one cares about your travel blog/b–By travel blog I mean a blog or series of emails where you provide pictures and long written descriptions of places you’ve been. It might hurt to hear this, but your family and friends will either be apathetic or bitterly jealous of your travels. Sure, there will be one person on the outer periphery of your circle of friends who seems really enthused, but let’s face it, there’s a reason you don’t hang out with her very much. /divdivbr //divdivThe other thing is that this isn’t the 16th century and there’s nothing unique about visiting places halfway around the world. There was a time when Thailand was exotic and mysterious*, but now it’s just a mass tourism destination like any other. Hell, even my sister’s been there and she likes Dane Cook. Unless you’re visiting North Korea or hitchhiking through Iraq, people just aren’t interested./divdivbr //divdiv*Check out the excellent “Temples and Elephants” written by a 19th-century Scandinavian adventurer./divdivbr //divdivbGet the business card from wherever you’re staying/b–Sometimes you can’t remember the name of the place you’re staying. Sometimes you’re too drunk to pronounce it. Sometimes the cab driver doesn’t know where it is and needs to call the front desk. You don’t want to be wandering around trying to remember where you checked into a few hours ago./divdivbr //divdivbGet lots of passport photos/b–The last time you needed passport photos you probably got the cheap set of four, used two on your paperwork, and shoved the others into a drawer. This is a mistake. Living in another country (or just travelling abroad) will burn through passport photos like a fat guy eating Cheetos. Any time you need to get some paperwork handled (including visas), you’ll generally need to provide at lease a pair of photos. God help you if lose any travel documents. It’s usually only marginally more expensive to get 16 (or more) photos instead of 4, so make sure you take advantage of the opportunity. /div
Here are some general travel tips I’ve picked up over the years. I’ve tried to avoid things that are well-known or just common sense.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”Get the special meal/span–Have you ever been on a flight and wished you could get your food before everyone else? Well, you can either fly first class or request one of the special meal options when buying your ticket. If you select kosher, halal, low-sodium, etc., you get your food before they start passing out regular meals. I can’t understand why more people are not aware of this. My favorite is low-sodium because it comes with a packet of salt. I generally avoid kosher because I figure I’d have a hard time explaining that I’m not Jewish if the plane gets hijacked.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”Get the more expensive bus/span–If there are two buses you can take from point A to point B, go with the more expensive option. The air-con, comfortable seats, on board bathroom, and lack of livestock are more than worth the extra $5.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”Backpackers, leave the gadgets at home/span– I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s a mistake many people seem to make. If you’re staying in a hostel (or anywhere else where security is a concern), don’t travel with a laptop, ipod, $700 camera, etc. You either have to haul all this shit wherever you go or worry about the very real prospect of it getting stolen. A good compromise would be bringing an iphone or ipod touch–it can play video and music as well as connect to the internet for email and other applications. The device is small enough to keep on you without any inconvenience. Internet cafes are everywhere in case you need to do any significant typing or upload pictures.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”Digital cameras should be small and cheap/span–If photography is your hobby, by all means get a nice digital SLR. Otherwise, you want a camera that is compact so you can shove it in your pocket and relatively inexpensive so you won’t be heartbroken if you lose or break it. A small drop in image quality is a small price to pay for the pictures you’ll be getting from bars/clubs/boats/whatever. Besides, you can easily find pictures of landmarks that are 100x better than anything you could do.br /br /I’m sure there will be additional travel tips as I think of them.
I have a fairly significant project to finish by the end of August (nothing Laos-related) so I’m not sure how much writing I’ll get done this month. Hopefully I’ll have a burst of creativity and be able to put up one or two things.br /br /I was listening to the Rolling Stones song “Sympathy for the Devil” and something I had never thought of started to bother me. Near the end of the song Mic Jagger sings “just call me LUCIFER” like it’s supposed to be some major revelation. The only thing is that the previous lyrics make it painfully obvious who the speaker is emand the song is titled/em “Sympathy for the Devil.” The “ha, gotcha” ending really only works if you’re so stoned you forgot the first three minutes.br /br /It must be terrible being a Hollywood makeup artist. I’m sure the job itself pays well and is interesting, but you must be constantly harassed by people wanting you to transform them for parties and other events. I’m sure the following happens all the time:br /“So, what do you do?”br /“I’m a special effects makeup artist.”br /“That’s awesome! Hey, I’m going to a costume party in two weeks, can you make me look really fat?”br /“Um, that would take over 20 hours to make molds of your face and color the prosthetic pieces.”br /“I could pay you like $100.”br /“That’s less than $5 an hour and my work schedule is really busy…”br /“So, can you do it?”
emnote: I started writing this several months ago/embr /br /I have a column half-written about how much I hate Lao New Years (empi mai lao/em or emSongkran/em in Thailand) but I’m too happy today to finish it, mostly because I got plenty of sleep last night, it’s sunny, and the streets aren’t filled with assholes waiting to douse me with filthy water as soon as I turn my back. So culturally what can we learn from the whole ordeal?br /br /I think one reason people like the holiday so much is that, as one Lao friend put it, “everyone’s head is on the same level.” Before I get to anything else, I need to explain about Lao culture’s inane obsession with head placement. Despite being a communist country (at least officially), Lao culture is extremely hierarchical. Status depends on age, gender, profession, and whether a person is a monk (monkness?). Except for brief moments, your head should not be higher than someone of greater status and Lao people put a lot of effort into ensuring this. For example, if you are standing and a maid or child has to cross in front of you, they will bow at the waist to ensure their head is noticeably below yours. I find the whole thing embarrassing and mildly distasteful, sort of a body language equivalent of being called “master.” As a foreigner, you won’t usually have to pay attention to these head placement conventions, but as a general rule you shouldn’t be standing when the people you’re talking to are sitting.br /br /Getting back to my original point, the pi mai holiday allows for a suspension of normal social rules. It’s perfectly ok to show mild disrespect to authority figures like monks, teachers, and generals (well, maybe not generals). In western culture, it’s not unusual to go drinking with your boss, but asians seem to find this same sort of familiarity liberating.br /br /Watching pi mai, it becomes immediately apparent why we lost the Vietnam war. The Lao people are probably the friendliest and most generous I’ve ever met, but anyone who’s lived here knows they’re not especially motivated, creative, or disciplined. But when the new year rolls around, they start plotting elaborate ambushes and are able to hurl water balloons through the windows of moving cars. It’s nerf guerilla warfare ant there’s no reason to think the real thing was much different.
The following is based on conversations with teachers who are friends of mine. It is accurate to the best of my knowledge but you’re encouraged to do your own research if you’re interested in teaching here. My friends are caucasian native speakers. This article only applies to Vientiane; I’d imagine condtions and pay are worse in other parts of Laos. I can not give you advice regarding specific schools or how to find a job. I may update this article with a list of schools to avoid.br /br /The first option is to teach at one of the 2-3 international schools here. You’ll have a steady job with 9 to 5-type hours and a decent paycheck, at least for Laos. Unfortunately, you essentially have to be qualified to be a teacher in your home country: 4-year college degree, TEFL certificate, references, etc. Your job is really no different than a schoolteacher in your home country so I don’t think this requires further explanation. You will not make enough to save any money–if you want that, teach in Korea or somewhere else with good pay and a low cost of living.br /br /The second option is to teach at an institute. They may call themselves schools or colleges, but they are really just institutes where most of the people are going to English class a few hour per week. I’m making this distinction because there are a number of differences between these and regular schools. The main one is that your goal is not to improve students’ English, it is to get them to like you so they re-enroll. One consequence of this is that even if they are talking on the phone or otherwise misbehaving, you can’t discipline or yell at them. If you do, they’ll complain and you’ll eventually be fired. I’m going to use bullet points to explain the other downsides of teaching in an institute:br /br /br /•Probably 90% of the English classes in Vientiane are taught Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 5-7 PM. It is much more difficult to find work teaching at other times.br /br /•Most students miss a significant number of classes and many come late to class. You will never change this. You can spend hours planning lessons and thinking of creative examples, but it won’t matter when 2/3 of the kids don’t show up.br /br /•It’s not unusual for a school to promise you a class and then cancel it at the last minute because there aren’t enough students. You don’t really have a job until you’re actually in the classroom teaching for money.br /br /•There are often 2-3 weeks between semesters. This can wreak havoc on your budget if you don’t plan for the downtime.br /br /•You will frequently have a day or week off for Lao holidays or Christmas. Again, if you don’t know about these, your paycheck will be much smaller than you planned for.br /br /As a white native speaker, you should be making $10-12/hr. Only take a lower-paying job if you really need the money. If you do this you should be actively looking for a better job. You will probably need to work at several schools to make ends meet.br /br /Any current or past teachers are welcome to contact me with information or corrections. I’d especially be interested in teaching outside Vientiane.
divI’m frequently asked how I deal with the huge number of backpackers visiting Laos and my answer is always the same: concentrated artillery fire to break up their ranks followed up by a motorbike cavalry charge to rout the survivors (obviously nerve gas would be preferable but international law regrettably forbids its use.) Another question I get a lot is why I have such a problem with backpackers. I really don’t, at least not all of them. I’ve met plenty of wonderful people who are just passing through. People who are intelligent, funny, insightful, etc. Then there are the other backpackers. The ones who seem to have been put on earth to annoy me, the ones, I’ll be talking about shortly./divdiv /divbr /divWhile there are numerous ways backpackers piss me off, it mostly boils down to one thing: they know everything. Fucking everything. They can elucidate the aspects and traits of various cultures better than any anthropologist. They can pontificate upon the facets of a people’s history and the causes and aftereffects of various wars. Their knowledge of political structures and geopolitics is unparalleled. I’m sorry, just because you browsed through a 1997 Lonely Planet at your hostel doesn’t mean you know what the fuck you’re talking about.br //divdiv /divbr /Why is it so difficult to say the words “I don’t know” or at least refrain from talking about something you know almost nothing about? I spent a week in Melbourne and even had a local to show me around for most of that time, but I wouldn’t pretend to know anything but the most basic information about the city. If someone asked me about the south of Laos, I would answer truthfully that I’ve never been there, don’t know much about it, and I’d suggest they Google it. I sometimes get emails asking about marriage procedures, property ownership, or some other complex issue. While a backpacker would probably make something up and pat himself on the back for appearing clever, I tell them to consult a lawyer.br /div /divbr /divAnother thing about backpackers is that, despite what they say, they really feel superior to the people living in the places they visit. Even to the point of thinking they know what’s best for them. This is usually expressed as some kind of sentiment wishing people could preserve their traditional ways of life. Well, when given a chance, most people will choose a modern lifestyle. Is this because they’ve been tricked by evil corporations? No, it’s because most “traditional” ways of living, like subsistence farming, are horrible for the people living them. Sure you get to have ipods and air-conditioning and MRIs, but if it were up to you, these people would be toiling on the same dirtpatch for the next thousand years. You probably don’t even want them to have tractors because that would spoil the landscape for you.br //divdiv /divbr /divThis brings me to another point, one that applies to all classes of foreigners. Whether you’re visiting a Hmong village or watching monks assemble in Luang Prabang, these are real people, not human zoo exhibits. You are not in an anthropological theme park. These people have a right to make decisions about their lives and if you don’t agree, fuck you, you don’t live there./div
Ok, I haven’t been updating the site as much as I’d like. To make up for it here’s a FAQ I was saving for the new site but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to put it up now.span style=”font-weight: bold;”br /br /Can you describe yourself?/spanbr /I’m a 28 y/o Canadian with a liberal arts degree from an American public college. Physically I am Caucasian, decent looking, and a little short.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”Why did you start the site?/spanbr /As a creative outlet, to educate people, and to make a couple bucks.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”Can you post a picture of yourself, your name, etc./spanbr /No, I’m interested in preserving my anonymity for a variety of reasons.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”What do you do for work? Do you teach English?/spanbr /I work in finance, though not for a Lao company or foreign company in Laos. I won’t go into detail on this except to say that what I do is completely legal.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”Can you show me around/would you be interested in having a beer with me?/spanbr /No offense but probably not. I’m not interested in being your personal tour guide and you probably aren’t as fascinating as you think you are. I would possibly be interested if:br /*You are friends with someone I know or I’ve metbr /*We’ve corresponded and I find you interestingbr /*You live here or will be staying here for a while. I’m always interested in making new friends here as long as you promise not to be creepy and call me all the time.br /*You are willing to give me items I can’t get here like good bourbon or beer. Contact me for more details.br /*You are willing to pay me a ludicrous amount of money. I’m not wanting for cash, so if you want to employ me as a tour guide or conversation partner I will charge way, way above what would normally be considered rational or fair.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”How much money do you make?/spanbr /I make enough to live comfortably in Laos.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”Can you get me pot or hook me up with a reliable source?/spanbr /No.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”I completely disagree with you about [pretty much any fucking thing I've ever written]/spanbr /I don’t care. Everything I write is my subjective opinion. You’re certainly entitled to yours, just don’t waste my time with it. If I’ve made a factual error somewhere feel free to contact me.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”Why the hate for backpackers? Backpackers are wonderful people blah blah blah/spanbr /I don’t actually hate them but as a group they tend to annoy me. Hatred is funnier than annoyance so I tend to exaggerate a bit.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”Where should I stay? What flight should I take? How should I get to Luang Prabang?/spanbr /Get a fucking travel agent.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”What sights should I see? How much time should I spend in Vientiane, etc./spanbr /Buy some guidebooks and check out Laos-related travel sites. I’ve been getting a lot of emails about this stuff so I’ll try to write some articles about this in the coming months under the assumption it will increase traffic.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”You don’t write anything about the political situation./spanbr /I keep this site apolitical for reasons that should be obvious.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”I think I’m moving to Laos. Can you help me rent a house, car, etc?/spanbr /I might be able to give you some phone numbers and basic info but I won’t hold your hand through the whole process.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”Are you married? Do you have a serious girlfriend?/spanbr /Currently single.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”How does Lao food compare to other Asian cuisine/ What are the defining characteristics of Lao food?/spanbr /Man, I don’t know. It tastes good.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”Can I write a guest article?/spanbr /Maybe. Email me and we can discuss this.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”I have a business and am interested in advertising on your site./spanbr /See this page for more information.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”I have a business in town, can you review it?/spanbr /Maybe. I make a point of trying new bars and restaurants so I’ll probably get to it eventually. Even if you give me a free meal or drink, I’m still going to be brutally honest. Be warned, I tend to have very strong opinions, especially regarding bars.br /br /[^^^these don't apply yet because I'm waiting for the new site to put up reviews]br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”Can I stay in your spare room? I’ll pay you whatever a hotel would cost. /spanbr /If you don’t at least know me well enough to have my personal email, definitely no.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”I want legal advice about marriage/buying a car/some bullshit./spanbr /Try thaivisa or talk to a law firm.br /br /span style=”font-weight: bold;”I don’t understand your website. Is it satire, a travel website, or a blog?/spanbr /Yes.
